Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
