I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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