ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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