God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
