Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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