i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
