after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
