I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
