She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
