I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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