WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He felt like a one man threesome
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
