Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize