i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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