I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
