Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
