I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
