is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Bring me that man meat
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
