He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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