Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
