I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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