Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
