I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
