So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
