how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
