Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
