You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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