i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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