I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
