seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
