I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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