"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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