get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
