mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
