you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Why is your signature on my underwear?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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