Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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