Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
there is glitter all over my balls
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