how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
