It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
