i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
