if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
