Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
