I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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