this beer tastes like vomit already
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
