Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
