i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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