I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
