happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
