I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
