I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
