I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
