Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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